Board Game
by The Sacred and Profane
Summary: Who will win? ReTi oneshot for fire mystic.


Board Game

AN: I own nothing in this story. This is for fire mystic so enjoy! Also I apologize if how they play Clue is wrong, it's been years since I've played it. Please R&R.

Tifa Lockhart was bored. Rain pelted the ground outside and thunder echoed through the air so taking a walk was out of the question. A heavy sigh came from Tifa's shoulder and she looked over. Her husband was obviously feeling some ennui as well.

"You as bored as I am?" Tifa asked. Reno nodded, aquamarine eyes meeting her own.

"I'm not even in the mood for sex...I think I'm getting old," Reno said, shaking his head sadly. Tifa chuckled and sifted her fingers through his hair.

"Well I know something that can make you feel young again." She got up from the couch then and went to the hallway closet, rummaging through it before spying what she wanted. Reno watched as she came back, placing a long rectangular box on the coffee table.

"Clue?" Reno asked, raising an eyebrow. Tifa nodded, opening the board game.

"Unless you have any better ideas?" Reno shook his head and Tifa motioned for him to set up the board. After everything was in order they started their first game, Tifa guessing the correct character: Professor Plum in the Kitchen with the candlestick.

"You got lucky," Reno said, a little upset that Tifa had won.

"I make my own luck ," Tifa replied. Reno just nodded his head and they continued on but Tifa soon realized that Reno wasn't playing along.

"Reno, Elena isn't a character in Clue."

"She is in my version along with other people we know. So I'm still saying it was Elena in the Apartment with the Barbie doll."

"I take it you really did see Elena in an apartment with a Barbie doll?" Reno shrugged his shoulders at her question.

"Maybe, maybe not...I'll tell you if certain conditions are met." Tifa's eyes narrowed.

"I'm not removing my clothes every time you win, got it?" Reno nodded.

"Of course, so are you in?"

"Sure, but a deal like that goes both ways. I'll add my own characters and weapons and tell you the truth if you can meet my expectations, agreed?" Reno nodded and they shook hands.

"May the best spouse win," Reno said, smirking. A new game was started and Reno found the killer to be rather unbelievable.

"C'mon Teef, Cloud in Drag at the Honey Bee with the Buster Sword? That's got to be a lie!" The only thing Reno received in response was a cheeky grin. Grumbling, the Turk started the next round.

Tifa won this round as well, discovering that the criminal was Scarlet in The Office with the syringe.

"Now that I don't find so unbelievable."

Still they played on discovering that Yuffie had been in WRO headquarters with a rubber chicken, Rude was found in Healin Lodge with a Chef's Knife, and finally Vincent in Seventh Heaven with a toothpick. Before Tifa could start another game however, Reno held up a hand.

"I think I've played enough guessing games for the evening," the Turk said.

"But you haven't met my conditions yet."

"Just tell me what they are and I'll do my best to fulfill them."

"Alright...first I want you to cook dinner for the next month." Reno nodded and Tifa smiled.

"Next, one week from now, you're to show up at the address written on this paper and follow all instructions, no questions asked, understand?" Again Reno nodded. "And that is everything I need you to do. The Vincent thing was a lie."

"What about Yuffie?"

"That actually happened. I walked in and found her talking to a rubber chicken. She says it helps her from going insane when she does paperwork."

"And I can't wait to tease her about it," Reno said, smirking. Tifa shook her head and wondered if her husband would ever grow up. "That Strife thing isn't real, is it?" Here Tifa actually giggled, something she didn't do very often.

"He did dress in drag but he did it to save me." She then went on to explain everything that happened from the auction to her threatening to crush Corneo's balls. Reno couldn't respond for some time, as he was laughing far too much for any coherent word to escape his lips. But eventually his breathing returned to normal and he looked at his wife, a grin on his face.

"Now it's your turn."

"Well I did find Elena playing with a Barbie doll. Tseng sent me to check in on her as she had been sick and when I opened the door there she was in pink pajamas and using the Barbie as a microphone. I got some good blackmail too."

"The Scarlet thing was true as well and that's all I'm going to say about that," Reno remarked, shuddering at the memory. "But the Rude thing was false because he hates tonberries and wouldn't go near them unless Rufus or Tseng ordered him to." The board game had been put away by now and Tifa had returned to the couch, sitting beside Reno.

"And what do you want me to do?" Tifa asked.

"Well for starters the next time Yuffie, you, and myself are all together I want you to french her." Tifa rolled her eyes at that but nodded.

"Anything else o perverted husband of mine?"

"You know I've never seen you drunk before," Reno commented, his lips upturning into yet another smirk. Tifa got up then and went to the kitchen, grabbing a six pack of beer from the fridge along with some Wild Turkey that was half full. Returning to the living room, Tifa opened a can and chugged it down. After belching, she quickly opened another and downed it in the same fashion.

Reno watched wide eyed as Tifa was turned from her sensible self into a giggling, hiccuping, and occasionally belching young woman.

"I HIC can't wait for URP next week, Re Re..." Tifa said, cheeks flushed. Six empty cans along with the empty bottle of Wild Turkey were now so much litter on the coffee table and Reno was starting to get a little nervous. He tried to stand up but the motion served to warn Tifa and she pinned him down, laughing loudly. "You wanted to see me druuunk well here I am!" Reno's nervous feeling had now changed to panic but Tifa soon noticed a flash of her husband's pale chest.

"Let's get those HIC stupid things off, kay?" Reno could only nod as she undressed him. Luckily she passed out before she managed to do anything else. A drunken Tifa would probably rip him in half with her unrestrained strength. But as she snuggled up to his now naked form and snores bellowed forth from her slumbering mouth, Reno couldn't help but feel blessed for having a wife like Tifa.

* * *

The next week came around swiftly and as Reno chuckled at the memory of his wife frenching the ninja, he suddenly remembered he still had a condition to meet. Opening the piece of paper, he read his wife's writing. The grin on his face faded rapidly.

Girls night had been a smashing success so far and now Tifa along with Elena, Yuffie, and Shera were all at Elena's apartment gossiping and enjoying some chocolate ice cream.

"C'mon Tifa, what's this surprise you've been hinting at all night?" Yuffie asked.

"It should be here soon, don't be so hasty." As if to confirm her words the doorbell soon rang and Elena went to answer it. She expected a male stripper dressed in a fireman's uniform but wasn't prepared for the sight of Reno dressed in a cheerleader's outfit. His hair was done in pigtails and his face was as red as humanly possible. Elena moved a little to the left, jaw effectively dropped. Yuffie and Shera had similar reactions while Tifa just had a triumphant expression on her pretty face.

The barmaid then placed a CD in Elena's stereo and a techno beat started up. The song was Caramelldansen. Tifa looked at her husband, taking in his slouched shoulders.

"You know what you have to do Reno." He gave a nod and raised both hands above his ears, crooking them like cat paws. Next he swished his hips from side to side while closing and opening the palms of his hands. As the song played he mixed things up by twisting around and repeating the dance with his rear facing the assembled women.

Finally the song ended but Reno knew his torture was far from over.

"Let's paint his nails next Teef, it'll be fun!" Yuffie said. Elena nodded in agreement and Shera didn't look like she'd be arguing that activity.

"Sorry girls but we're doing something else. Reno do you want to tell them?" Reno sighed but nodded.

"The Hare Hare Yukai dance..."

The three women gave an almost fan girlish squeal and as the music started up and the Turk danced beside his wife, he reminded himself to never play a board game with her ever again.


End file.
